Heavy Heartstrings

Today I have very heavy heartstrings. Tears are pouring down my face because I know what I should do, I just can't bring myself to do it.

Steven's rabbit had a surprise litter. By surprise I mean, she had one on the wire (out of the nest box) a couple days ago, and because it was not kept warm like it should have been did not make it. Yesterday the girls went out to check on the rabbits, and found she had two more yesterday morning but somehow fell through the floor cage wire, landing under the cages.

We made sure everything was well with them. One of the two crawled away from the fur and warmth of the nest, passing through the night. While checking on the only surviving littermate... I found that some fur was stuck to his head. I brought him in and gently washed off the fur, only to find that he has a spot above his nose that the skin is separated.

In my knowledge with Rabbits I know what needs to be done. It needs culled. But I cannot do it.

The reason?

**Deep Breath**

Who am I to say if it lives or dies? That would be like me saying that Steven should not be here on this earth. I have no right in saying if it lives or dies. It's future lives within God's hands. I cannot make that decision.

To hold a life... whether it be a child or a rabbit... they are all god's making. Life is so delicate. To hold a living breathing baby in your hands and to decide what to do with it is not my call.

God. Please look over your children. No matter in what shape or form. Only you can say what happens. I give you my heart with heavy heart strings. Please. Do your will. I will follow your lead.

Anxieties

Anxieties are pretty close to everywhere in my life with Aspergers. I go through anxiety because I feel like other parents look at me like I gave my son Aspergers, or why can't you control your kid better or how about the soft whispers from a parent whose kid is nothing but perfect - or even those whose aren't.

I don't participate in many organizations within the school systems. It's a really far stretch for me to get involved in 4H or even with the softball things. I always feel like people are looking down upon me. Steven has his own ways of doing things, getting what he wants, and even though he looks like a typical 14 year old, he is still very immature for his age.

People around him that talk to him and actually treat him like a human being get to see Steven for who he is. He is actually very fascinating and full of facts and information that could knock your socks off.

He is loud, sometimes to the point of embarrassing, and sometimes he will just melt down and start screaming for no reason at all - at least that's what you think until you actually get him calmed down and talk with him over what the underlying cause is. Sometimes he will surprise us by walking up and actually discussing things before a meltdown. The last is our goal and we hope that soon it will be completely this.

Steven loves to try to play with others. Sometimes it is easier to play with those who are younger than he is. He is insistent on focusing on cars, tracks, calculators, math, and star wars. He gets lonely and begs to have friends that he can play with. He does well with other parents and teachers as well.

He shows Holland Lops for fair and I am truly amazed at how the groups we have belonged to and currently in handle Steven and his situation, and he really has not shown his true colors with the new group. I am eager to see how he does this year at fair with his Black Otter Lop, Pidgey.

Sometimes I view my son as a picture in picture TV. While he himself is the larger picture, we are the ones in the smaller picture and he tends to drown us out.

Even though my son has grown up quite a bit - not only socially and emotionally but he is almost as tall as I am and I don't think any of his pants are going to fit him for school this year. In my eyes he still 2-3 years behind socially and emotionally however I know will come with the more specialized training from the new school.

My wish right now is that he would be able to get along with everyone. My two daughters who are 12 and 9 feels somewhat compelled to get angry with him because he is different than they are. It probably does not help that he is the only boy out of 4 too. I wish they would understand how special their brother really is and learn how to adapt to how he is.

I have anxieties about every part of my sons life. Now I need to figure out how to deal with them and help my son grow up to be the man he one day will be.

Asperger: It's a right in your face reality for me.

It's been a while since writing, and I will admit I have had one heck of the last couple of months. With school, IEP meetings, shopping for a new school for Steven, working with case managers, add in 3 kids each with a different baseball/softball schedule... and well, just "life" happening, I pretty much lost myself in those issues more than sitting down and writing on my blog.

While I write mostly to get things figured out in my head, I also like to write to help others who may be going through situations such as mine. It takes a lot of gumption to write about some of the things I want to write about and I have often worried about what kind of "recourse" would come out of my writings. I think it's time to actually start writing from what I honestly want to write about instead of him hawing around topics that may offend others. After all, this is my life, and it's my blog and I'll vent if I want to.

So yes most readers know that I have my "not mes" roaming about my house. My soon to be 14 year old is "Aspie" or Asperger. This means that he does not do well usually in a social environment. He is very smart, but he likes to pick and get things going with the other 2 older ones in the family. Yes, you read correctly, he will be attending a new school that is more suited for his needs. He will be going into 9th grade, and I was just too worried about how/why and what would happen in a high school full of neuro-typical kids. I pray that the school helps him catch up socially and emotionally. He has went to the school three times now and he loves it. His teachers all love him, he has made friends with other classmates already, and he likes that "he fits in". He will be attending on the Ohio Autism Scholarship Fund. This new change will put more onto me, like taking him 20 minutes away and then turning around and picking him up as well. It will take some adjusting on all of our lives, but I feel that this is the best suited school for him.

Before coming to the realization that he would need to move to a new specialized school; I balled like a baby. I have tried for years to help him get through a regular school. I am proud of him for making it to the 8th grade in the school that he was in... but in reality he just has issues that would hinder his learning going into high school where he is.

Steven wants friends who are willing to accept him. Not "friends" who tell him to do one thing, then when he does it, says "no I did not say that!". In this certain situation, there were girls hanging around, when one of the boys told Steven to go tell the girls that they liked them and wanted their phone number... The boys then turned around and denied it.. Steven does not know that he was being used as a pawn. Is this actually a way to bully my son? I think so.

Yes sometimes things seem like what "normal" kids do, and yes people can be cruel. People do not understand what he thinks, why he acts the way he does, or even how he is. Heck I will admit even I have a hard time understanding. But does that mean I wish my kid was different? Honestly, yes there are times that I cry because I see other kids doing what Steven wishes he could do, but deep down in my heart- Steven is Steven. He is special. He can do amazing things. I believe god does not give you what you cannot handle; but that he gives you circumstances to help you grow and to widen your spirit and to come to him often and ask for guidance. I think we were led to this new school for Steven to learn how to grow and learn how to face the challenges he has in his life. He is growing up into the person only he can become.

I thank god every day for giving me my children. I just have to pray a little harder to figure out how to get them to understand one another more!

Some days your the diamond; some days they just throw stones!

There are just some days that no matter what happens, it feels like you are just being stoned in the process. Not talking stones as in "drug induced", but rather no matter what you do and you try your best to get things done, someone just throws another stone at you.

Gracie has been sick. She was running 104.4 on Saturday. It began Friday night. Well anyways, here it is Tuesday, and she woke up with the fever broke! Wonderful!

Now we are dealing with the whining and crying of a 1 year old because she is starting to feel better. She is hungry, she is still tired from fighting the virus, and she is getting into everything and so hates the word no.

My house is not to the point we should be shown on Hoarders, though to me I just cant get up and get it all clean with 4 kids around. We are involved in so many different non profit organizations that we love doing/helping in- 4H, Hotstove (not really involved, but hey we are at least making an attempt to help), Fireman with the Fire Department, myself with the local Historical Society.

Let's face it... too many sticks in the fire. But we absolutely love helping out and would not have it any other way.

Sigh......

We hope that we somewhat rub off on the kids with community service... but I am afraid I have missed a big portion of the teaching on this.. doesn't helping others begin at home?

My house is in a complete disaster with the baby being sick. All she wanted was for me to hold her. After all, when you are sick don't you just not feel well enough to do for yourself, and like she could do for herself anyways. 4 nights of sleeping on the couch with her in the pack and play is enough for me. Waking every few hours to check on her is enough to put anyone into a cry for sleep. But, the stone being thrown is from my house. It's begging for attention. No one wants to give it.

Where's my timer?

Shoot my timer don't even wanna help!

Where are the kids? Oh yeah... I should have taught them how to help out around the house more huh?

Hubby? Why should hubby come home and walk into a disaster after working so many hours a day, not to mention running out for Squad calls and fires to be put out? On top of helping with the kids to run to various Doctor appointments.


Guess who is throwing the stones now?

ME.

Sometimes the one thing I thrive for is to be June Cleaver and to maintain the house and kids so that the father can go to work, come home and have a nice peaceful sense in the household.

I guess I need to empty my pockets of the stones and stop throwing them and start cleaning. Nothing is going to stop the stones but me.

Here goes to emptying out those pockets......

What do I want to be when I grow up?

Actually I think this should be when the kids grow up? I am looking at my oldest being a Freshman next year. I would love to start thinking about what I need to do in order to start into the work force before then so that I can prepare for what steps I need to take.

Let's see what I would have on a resume at this point. Taxi driver, fast food chef, laundress, housekeeper, nurse, appointment keeper, pharmacist, computer technician, softball/baseball mom, teacher, wife, mother, warden, peace keeper, consequence dealer, multi-tasker, thrifty grocery shopper (have to be for a family of 6!), boo kisser, spirit mender... well I guess now I am reaching?

It's not like I can just jump into the work field as I am now. My kids are my world, and even if I do complain a lot and feel like I am over welmed, well, yes I am! Just who in their right mind would hire someone that thinks of their kids first, with their jobs second? I also have to play into my husband who drives a truck and doesn't really have a set schedule like a lot of people, not to mention on a moments notice he is running out the door to save a life. I have a full time job here.

Any time one of the kids get sick, my more than balance of children gets a work out. Gracie has been ill since Friday with a high fever. Days like these I am so thankful that I don't have a boss that I can report off to. Yes, I am behind on household chores, but when a baby is not feeling well and only wants to lay in your protective arms, that's what you do. That is your job for that moment. Babies are only babies for a short while and they need you when they need you.

So I have a few years to think about what I am actually going to do when the kids get older (and don't need me as much)- and I will have to start thinking about what I want to do until then.

This is my job, and even though I may have a disaster of a home, I feel it is where I need to be at this moment. I love my job!